Why is the piano so loud? Shit I should have talked to Rein about the monitor, I need more monitor .... too late you're already singing... go .... E-minor, F major, Eminor .... phrygian line.... keep the intonation clean.... that's right, keep it up. Fuck I have no more breath, I need to catch my breath, they'll hear it... fuck .... ritardando, be a little emotional and slow down, that'll give you some space... phew side-stepped this one... you know your ex is in the audience right? Shit, why am I thinking about this? Just keep playing, keep playing, keep it up, keep it up. I'm in, I have the picture in front of me, if I close my eyes I'm in the song. Yes.
That girl up front looks bored. Shit, why did I look at her? Ok, never mind, play mayfly now... keep it cool, keep it clean...intonation up... don't be distracted. Your timing sucks... you just lost your timing... fuck.... never mind keep playing... Chorus, here I go: "And then I met, someone who loved me..." Does she think now I'm singing about her? God, I hope she doesn't. Fuck, stop thinking about her while playing... No. No. No. I played the wrong pivot chord. Mother of F***** .... ok not that bad, different modulation, different line, you can do it... keep playing, keep playing... why on earth did I play A-flat....ok... different ending, play softer, more intense, more emotion, clean intonation, keep the intonation clean... you're shaking. Why are you shaking? Your voice is shaking as well! Remember what this song is about, remember, just remember what it's about... a monkey has more timing than you... isn't it funny? You spent 5 months on your intonation and now your timing fails? Shut up...
I bowed and left the stage, without looking into a single face. People told me they liked it, they didn't notice the "alternative modulation", all the thoughts creeping into my mind. One girl even offered to sing for me in the future...
This is what happens, when you're producing in a tiny studio all day, deep in your head, far away from civilisation. I need to go on stage more often. Hartog was right. It seems so easy, so simple, so clear, but it's not.
It's really not.