Dienstag, 2. Oktober 2012

Black Wedding

Millions of colors and not a black dress among them. I hear Sjostakovitsj's piano sonata in the background. A great time to be alive, a great day to celebrate, a great spectacle to witness and as hollow as the shattered remains of every single heart walking through that door. But I'm just gone, I'm exhausted, too far away to even realize that this is all just in my head.

She pulls me by my sleeve: "Come on! Let's go! We're gonna be late!" As the ballroom is slowly filling up with more and more people, I find myself completely lost among the crowd. Bright lights pierce through a shining array of golden candles, blinding me instantly. I slowly squint my way back to the buffet, but then hesitate for a second - another couple enters the room and my fears are confirmed: It's her. Worse. It's them. Another well-dressed man enters the hall, and next to him: My lady fair.

He kisses her neck and she giggles in enjoyment, raising her left arm over her head. She looks like an Arabian princess, clinking and clattering with every step. My eyes follow every move, every conversation, every gesture. I'm as blind as a mole and yet I can see them both so clearly. I wish they would turn down the heat in here, it's killing me. I can hardly breathe... the laughter is making me crazy... the afterthought of every joke is burning holes into my head... the dancers, the waiters, the voices, the lights, the screeching laughter and suddenly - they stop.

An awkward moment. A moment so undescribably beautiful and disturbing at the same time. A thousand eyes turn towards me and stare right through my jealousy. I let them. There is nothing here, nothing there to see. It is not even worth mentioning, it is completely irrelevant. I'm not important. So why do they keep staring at me?

"Why are you all staring at me? I didn't do anything! I didn't say anything! I'm just a little uncomfortable, that's all. Come on guys, just keep it up. Just keep going, keep dancing .... come on.... you there... yea you! GO ON! DANCE! This is a party!"

I take a sweet-roll from the buffet. A horrible chord by the master Sjostakovitsj himself, almost makes me drop my food. The music turns into a Nocturn as black as anything I have ever heard. I'm done.

With a gesture of my hand, I end it.

The radiator next to my bed is making a horrible sound. The heater broke so I had to dig up the old radiator to keep me company during the night. It's still dark outside.


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