Donnerstag, 1. November 2012

A Fantasy

Sometimes, when I've been working from morning until evening without a break in between, I sit back and let myself get carried away. I think about stopping. I think about becoming a bum. To all those people out there following their passion this must sound vaguely familiar. Because when you're doing what you love, you can't just stop, it's not even a possibility. But I still enjoy the fantasy of giving up - the dream of becoming a shoe salesman, a janitor or a baker.

It's scary sometimes, because it feels soooo good. Dreaming of something that you will never, ever do, because you can't stop making music. This is a very strange thing going on in my head. The pressure is intense and it's intense all the time. You literally wake up and do nothing else for weeks, sometimes without sleeping a single hour a night.  I get emails every day, new jobs, new tasks - "break this limit! Get better! Your sound needs to get better! Your production skills aren't good enough yet!" And I produce, and I mix, and I mockup, and the mac keeps crashing from the loads of samples I put in.

And my audio interface dies, and I dismantle my studio and then it works again, and I go to the conservatory and they destroy me with feedback and I come home and do a 4 hour recording session for a short film, and afterwards when the clock hits 2:00 am again I finish another mix, while someone downstairs keeps knocking against the ceiling and screams at me to turn off the "fucking music".

It's creepy. Late at night, when I'm working on a mockup for Tom, I hear people coming home from parties. They're laughing, having fun... so relaxed and free. I was at the Buddhist temple last night and they talked about a book. I can't even remember the last time I read a book, because when I go to bed I'm too exhausted to even keep my eyes straight. I fall asleep to old Simpsons episodes, because it's the only thing that can pull my thoughts away from all of this.

In January I'll be producing 10 metal songs for Dianne, the score to 2 video games and probably do a whole bunch of stuff for Tom as well. Doing my Bachelor at the conservatory has become a side attraction. And I love it, with all my heart.

But the image of me in a janitor suit is deliciously tempting.


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